Of Course He'll Miss Ziver, He'll Miss Them All
by smileyanne
Summary: Kind of an angsty reflection from Gibbs POV. Set after Ziva leaves. Doesn't actually make much sense. I was just in the mood for angst. I mean VERY angsty


**A/N: This is a dark, tragic angst that makes no sense. I wrote it with almost no sleep. And there is next to no plot.**

**Oh, I ought to be giving some information on OP: BT later.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own NCIS**

* * *

Tony's sliding into an angst filled depression.

Abby's sobbing is uncontrollable.

Tim's trying to become invisible.

Ducky's becoming a mute.

And he. Well, he'll be the one the to put them all back together again.

Even though he's the worse of them all.

And the funny thing is, it's not even because of Ziva.

* * *

Of course he'll miss Ziver.

But not like Abby will.

Or Tim.

Or Duck.

And especially not like Tony will.

* * *

Though none of his agents are green, in the field or in the life they lead. They still retain that ability to feel the aching loss of a gone comrade, the sickening horror of the everyday reminders on what mankind is possible of. They still have the ability to go to work, live their lives, and _feel._

Point. Blank. Simple. Though they aren't green in the way they live their lives, they have lives completely differently from his.

They have the potential for futures.

Ducky has the potential to one day retire from his morbid day job. To find a nice, beautiful, sophisticated, older woman. With little grandchildren to become a grandfather to, kids who will clamber onto his lap and listen to granddads tales of his youthful adventures with rapt attention.

Abby and Tim have the potential, to realize they were made for each other. Tim will one day have the guts to look him in the eye, and despite Rule 12, finally get down on one knee and make Ms. Abigail Scuito, Mrs. Abigail McGee. Years later they'll have the white picket fence in the suburbs, with the 2.4 kids. That each have a gentle yet hyperactive side to them, not unlike their parents.

Tony might just have the most potential of them all. Though it seems unconceivable to him now, one day he'll get past the heartbreaks that was; Paula, Kate, Jeanne, and Ziva. Someday he'll find a sensible woman, one who's traveled the world, and sown all her wild oats. One who's ready to settle down, to work hard and pull him out of his life of vengeance seeking leaders, pain, and death. One who will one day settle down with him, in a a big house outside of D.C, full of rambunctious children and chaos. The chaos that DiNozzo so dearly loves.

Those, they had such bright futures. _He _had worked hard to make sure it stayed that way, that no matter how much they saw in a federal agents life, that those futures were not in a chance of fading. Though to be fair for a few recent years he'd had help.

Ziva though slim, had the potential to leave the world of killing, torture, and endless pain. Such a slim chance, that when she saw it and took it, Gibbs couldn't fault her not one tiny bit. Not one bit, when for years they'd worked in unspoken harmony to make sure their darkest experiences stayed hidden secrets, that the ugly truths of their world stayed shielded from the eyes of the others.

That they never knew what Ziver and himself were capable of.

* * *

_Himself,_ well his potential was bottles of bourbon, boats, and more death.

While the others moved on, quit, or retired from the jobs that take such a toil on their everyday lives. He'll stay, because it's all he knows.

If he were being honest with himself, when Shannon and Kelly were alive, he hadn't known what to do. Didn't know how to be the loving husband, the doting father. Maybe that was why, despite all their pleas and protests, he'd stayed in the Corps, killing in the name of his country.

Then after they'd been tragically ripped from his life, taking the beacon of light that was always so valiantly trying to penetrate his darkness with them, he was lost. Swimming in a haze of bourbon, death, and darkness, until Mike had found him.

_Mike..._

_Jenny..._

The only people, besides Ziver, who'd seen that side of him. Yet had still been able to look him in the eye and not cringe, because they were like him. They were the people with the messed up past and the penchant for pain; Mike and him the ex-marines, Ziva the assassin, Jenny and himself assassinating and performing their own brand of vigilante justice for three years. Relying on each other to stay alive, afloat, and sane. Correction, relying on each other to keep the other from losing their thin grasps on the slippery thin strands of sanity.

* * *

So he'll stay, embroiled in darkness, and pain, and death. Hiding it behind his wall of boats, bourbon, and the basement.

And one day he knows it will come, the day when one of them will be ready to walk up and claim the presents he so ardently protected.

It may not be giftwrapped.

It may not have a big shiny bow on top.

But, it's a way out.

And he knows the day that the first of them comes to claim theirs. That it will be the beginning of the end for him.

It may happen one-by-one, or they may come to claim theirs all at once, driven by a tragedy that he'll still stay through.

Anyway it happens, he won't stop them. He won't keep them from claiming the gorgeously bright futures they have, the ones he kept in mind every time he accepted another 'suicide mission' just to keep it from falling into the hands of one of his subordinates. Nothing was acceptable if it jeopardized their potential.

After they're gone he knows people will see a different side of him. Once he doesn't have to hide how bad it really is, he knows people will fail to see him just as a stubborn, difficult, hard-ass, ex-marine. Instead, they'll see him as caustic, sinister, cold. Kind of like the infamous Director Shepard...

Nothing will put a stopper on him anymore. Once Tony, Abby, Duck, and Tim are gone, there'll be no incentive for him to act human anymore. And without Ziva, Mike, or Jenny being there, nothing will keep him from falling lower than he already was.

Until one day, there will be nothing to keep him anymore. No problem that needs fixing, no bad guy that needs to be caught, no person that needs to be saved. And when that day comes he'll be so happy, for the first time in _so _long.

Though he doesn't quite know how it will happen yet, he's got it narrowed down to a few possible scenarios. He's determined it will happen by a bullet, though he's equally determined it won't be by suicide. Even if he has to he'll pull a stunt like the one Jenny did, he's made so many enemies over the years that it wouldn't be hard._ Heck, _him and Jenny had so many mutual enemies, that it wouldn't be hard to get one of them to take him out.

Vaguely he's wondered what it would be like when that bullet came towards him, would the bullet simply be too fast? Himself too slow? Maybe he'd just freeze and let the bullet propel him into sweet oblivion...

_He'd get to see his girls..._

_He'd get to hold his emerald eyed lover..._

_He'd get to give his old mentor a headslap of his own..._

* * *

God, he's just sitting in the bullpen, with the envisioned events most likely still months, if not years off, but he misses them so freaking _much. _

He wants to laugh at the bitter irony of it all, he knows now and when those futures are finally available for the taking, it won't change a thing in the minds of his team. If he'd call them, each and every one of them would be camping on his doorstep the next morning.

But, he hasn't, and he won't.

Because once they're settled, happy, and _safe. _He'll start on the road to self-destruction, all the while only seeing the bright light at the end of the tunnel.

_Shannon..._

_Kelly..._

_Jenny..._

_Mike..._

So when the time comes that he finally gets to live in the light.

Of course he'll miss Ziver.

He'll miss them all.

* * *

**Yeah, I know. Stupid, isn't it? But, I wanted some tragic angst. Sadly I'm not a good enough writer to write one that will make people 'tear up' ;)**

**So I used Ziva's departure as a 'launch pad'. Man I really need some sleep... Night!**

**Do me a favor. If you didn't like it, simply don't review**


End file.
